| Nov. 7th, 2005 @ 11:30 pm (no subject) |
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First time in a long time for an update eh. If you don't want to hear an "oh woe is me" entry, then this is not the entry for you, so just skip it cause it will just piss you off. But then again, i'm in the state of mind right now, where i just don't give a fuck.
Well lets start with saying that some friends i thought i would be with for a long time arn't there anymore. I know its mostly my fault, but i also know that i can't handle knowing that how much i would do for someone, and how much they were willing to do for me. Or should say how much they weren't willing to do for me. Gets you kinda depressed when you find out that you would walk across the world just to be there for someone when they needed you and that same person wouldn't even walk across the street to help you if you just got hit by a car. Yea it sucks don't it.
Then college is complete shit. I'm doing horrible and i could give the excuse my mind is on to much other shit but then that would be just that, an excuse. I need to get my head out of my ass and stop feeling bad about what use to be and what is now. Then get to work in school again.
Then my feelings about another girl friend of mine are all messed up. Cause i've tried to be with her before, and it worked great for awhile, but then kinda just fizzled out. Now those old feelings are starting to come back, and i have to get it through my thick skull that she doesn't feel the same way, no matter what she may say or how she may act. Then when i do talk to her, and she talks about who she likes or might go out with, i bash my head into the wall trying to tell my brain to stop thinking anything other than friends can come from us. Or how i tell my friends, "oh i won't get hurt, i'm just doing this to 'get my rocks off' (as fred put it) and have some fun", which is complete and utter bullshit, because how can i even say that it won't affect me when i know it will. Then i'll just keep building it up inside me, or let it out in small doses on some innocent bystander who i think *might* have just given me a dirty look and blow up on them. Perhaps if i just beat the living hell out of someone then most of my pent up anger will go away. Guess i'll just have to wait for someone to say they want to "kill" me again, or beat my ass. And all because i can't handle my own damn emotions.
My so called step-Dad has dissapeared off the face of the earth again, no big surprise there. Then my mom is a lazy ass and wants everythign given to her on a silver platter. Shes 40 or so and still thinks she's 15. She needs to learn to grow up.
When it comes to trying to go out with anyone i might see a possibility, they either want nothing to do with me, or always come up with the "don't want to ruin the friendship" or the other million excuses "oh something has come up and i can't han gout with you tonight, sorry." Yea bullshit you are sorry. If you were sorry you wouldn't say yes in the first place to get my hopes up, just to smash them down to nothing the next day to make me feel even more worthless.
Everyone keeps saying "oh things will get better." My question to them is WHEN THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN. I've been waiting 18 years for things to get better, and i really don't see how anything has and ever will get better. People tell me to look at the positive things in my life. Hmmm, lets count them on one hand shall we. I am going to college (even though i'm doing horrible), i have a truck that runs decent(even though my grandma was just given a brand new car that i really don't see why she needs a sports car), I still have friends there for me (even though they all have their own problems to deal with so i keep my mouth shut normally excep tfor here), i have a roof over my head, my grandparents rules are pretty small so i can do mostly what i want...... uh.... and i guess i'm alive so that at least makes 6. What do you know, i counted more than 5 things. And after reading that, i must sound like a spoiled brat, lol. But believe me, if you knew all the things that were shitty with me, then that would make up for it by far.
Now isn't that kinda funny, with all this shit on my mind (and a whole shitload more that i'll keep to myself), i still smile and act like absolutely nothing is wrong everytime i see a friend. Things are funny that way arn't they. So now i've given up on trying to help my friends with their problems, because if i can't even help myself, then how the hell am i suppose to help anyone else.
So there, that is a look into what is going on in my mind, what so many of you wanted to know so badly. And for those who just read this and are like "whoa, where the fuck that come from", it came from holding it all in for years and years, and more importantly all the recent shit that has happened to me. For the stupid shit with nicole, the fucking games i play with my own mind about kortney, macomb fucking community college, and my mom actually trying to talk down to me about what i can and can't handle.
If life is suppose to be so great, then why the hell does it hurt so much. It would be so much easier not to have to worry about anything, and be done with it all. |
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